Maggie

Maggie died on the 23rd of September, the day of her 14th birthday. That was the day before I came back to Germany. She had cancer, a very agressive tumor on her mouth. It grew up incrediblely fast, we still did a session of chemotherapy but unfortunately it didn't really work and as a vet, I knew it was a fight we could not win. It was just faster than we expected. But of course, we never expect this and we are never prepared, although we think we are. As an owner, the only thing I could wish for the pet that was with me the last 14 years and came home when she was a 2 month old puppy, is to make her happy and without suffering during the time she has left. And we did. 

It was one of the most dificult decisions of my life. I don't know if I was the owner, or the vet. Or both. We are never prepared. Doesn't matter what we are told, we are never prepared. I decided I didin't want to take her to a vet and do it there. My mother also didn't want to do it at home. So, when the day came, we went to the beach. She loves beach and me too. A vet friend came with me and we took Maggie for a last walk. And she was happy. She walked cheerfuly behind me, smelling the sand. We walked a bit, it was a beautiful day, a bit windy but not a lot of people on the beach. I sat down staring at the sea and she came next to me. I don't know if she ever realized what was going to happen. I huged her some time and then my friend did the rest. And she died in my arms. The tears didn't stop rolling down. The pain doesn't go away. I know that's normal, that's life, she lived for 14 years, we know that pets live quite shorter than us and she was very sick. It's never easy. But she is free now. She will not suffer. She had an end with dignity and she was happy. I could see in her eyes that she was happy. There is no bigger pain for an owner. I just want to believe that I did the best for her. That she had a happy life. Because she was so special (I know that every owner thinks that about their dogs, but she really was) and I will never find a dog like her ever again. Thanks to my vet friend, who was so amazing and helped me so much with and going through this. And I know, sooner or later, we will meet again, little Maggie. And you can steal my dirty socks again.

Praia Grande, Sintra 23.09.2017

Decisões

Por favor diz-me quando estiveres pronta. Por favor diz-me tu. Porque eu sozinha não consigo decidir. Preciso que sejas tu a dizer-me quando estiveres pronta. Prometo que te vou ouvir. Mas tens que ser tu a dizer-me. Sei que está quase mas vamos fazer isto juntas. Estou aqui para ti pequenina.

"Keep your head up, keep your heart strong"

I have no words to describe the pain i'm feeling right now. I feel so hurt, so sad, so disappointed. If I could, I would just delete the previous post. But, just like in life, we cannot change and erase the past. It's part of us and we have to deal with it. A few days ago I got a message from a friend. Actually, she was never a friend. It was the first thing I read that morning. I didn't really understand it and after I thought it was a joke. And then, it was like a bomb fell upon my head. A very unexpected revelation. Lies. It hurts so much. Even after a few days, after thinking a lot about it and try to digest it, it still hurts the same. I feel so humiliated and so stupid. For believing in the wrong things. And people. I will never forgive them. But it's life and we have to move on. Everything happens for a reason. These situations teach us a lot. I just have to look them in the eyes once more and ask why. And then I will close this chapter. It will be very hard but I will just keep my head up and go through this. Sooner or later this sad situation will just be a bad memory. And I will move on with my life and focus on my goals. Above everything I feel in peace with myself and all my actions and this is an amazing feeling that nothing or nobody can change. And I just hope that someday, both of them can ever know what this is. Some chapters of our life are meant to be closed. The way they are closed may teach us a lot. It hurts so much. But I will move on and open the next one, i'm sure it will bring me new amazing things. 

    

M

I didn't really notice him when I saw him for the first time. Neither the second or third, probably. He was just a ferrier helper like many others, that sometimes worked in my working place, the post-partum stable, where I always was. I can't precise when I noticed him for the first time, but when I did, of course I was too shy to say something. A few time later, I just remember to timidly mention him to a friend of mine, a girl that worked with us and that had a closer relationship with his friends: "M?! Do you like him?! He is really good! You should talk to him! Or we could go for dinner all together!". I just smiled and thought it would never happen. A few days later, she said: "I've got bad news. He will go one month to his country, he will be operated". And so it was. But still this boy was gaining space in my thoughts. And so (with some help of the social networks) we started to talk.    

What happened next followed such beautiful and incredible sequence of events that I cannot explain. When he was back in Germany, he just showed up with his friends in a party he knew I was. I could not believe when I saw him there. He just pulled me to dance. I am a terrible dancer. And I was so shy that I could not even look at him. Just one kiss and good bye. After this night we timidly started to talk and share things about ourselves. To know each other. I let him in. I don't know why I did it, but I let him in. In such a way that I never thought I could. I started to feel the butterflies when I saw him and he too. When we were working together in the post-partum stable, we were always trying to sneak out, even just for a few seconds, to steal a kiss or look at each other. We looked like two teenagers. I was always laughing, my mind was far away, I felt like I was 15 again. I felt happy. He had a lot of time, used to finish his job at a normal hour and had almost every weekend free. On the other hand, I was already happy if I finished before 22h. We had so few time to be together. And still we used it all. And well. We enjoyed every moment, thanks to a lot of effort of my part and his part. And the car that my colleague lended me. Every moment we could meet and see each other was special. The time would stop and nothing else would matter. It was hard to find the time and energy to be together but it worthed every minute. Every kiss stolen in Gang 7, before he went home. 

He was in love. He said he loved me a lot of times. In my language, in his language. His friends said that they have never seen him like this. He really liked me, I know that. He was so kind and good to me. He cared a lot. As things went on, we evolved to another levels. Good levels. Once again, I don't know how and why but I just let him in. This changed my life forever. And he has no idea. He has no idea how he changed my life. He has no idea that he was the first person I let in, in a long long time. No, I never told him that. I always had problems to let someone in. Too much. He has no idea how much he changed my life and how much I learnt about myself in this relationship, with him. He never realized how important this was for me. I discovered so much. About myself, about feelings, about honesty and communication. 

And I was always honest with him. I always said that, once my job was done, I would leave that place. And probably we would not see each other again. So we enjoyed our time together the best we could. In the lake, in his house, in my house, in the bedroom. With friends, with movies, with pizza dinners, with surprises, with the guitar. The communication was the biggest problem for me. We had a big problem with communication because the only language we could speak in common, is the language that we speak the worst, both of us. And sometimes it was really hard. In the begining it was not a big problem but after a certain time it started to be hard for me, not being able to express myself as I wanted and to be understood. And understand him too. And it was a bit frustrating sometimes for both of us. Because communication is the base of any good relationship. But we could manage somehow.  

Goodbyes are never easy. When I left, it wasn't any different. I left without any promises of return, meetings or commitement. A long distance relationship is not something that I want or i'm willing to, that's the truth. And neither he is, I think. Besides, I had absolutely no plans for myself. I didn't know when and where I would have my next job. How much time I would be in Portugal. The last kiss and I was gone. He said he would save money and come for me in Portugal. When I came back to Portugal he went also to his country on vacation, for two weeks. Since then we text each other everyday. For some news, pictures and say how we miss each other. But soon we realized that by keep going like this, without perspective of a meeting or a future reunion, we were just delaying the inevitable. 

Two days ago I finished our relationship. We both agreeded that there's no point to keep going like this. We will not meet again. I won't go back to the same place (and I really reconsidered it) and he will not come to me. I don't even know where I will go. But he has his job, his friends, his life. I could never ask him to do such a thing. Besides, I don't love him. I never did. I like him very much, he was really special and important to me. He will be always in my heart and I will never forget him. Those days in Germany will be always in my heart. He made me very happy. I care about him so much. I want him to be so, so happy. Tears are rolling down my face right now. But I don't love him. The communication (or lack of it) was a very big problem for me. And we were different in many things. Our worlds, our cultures were just too different. In the deep of my heart i've always known that he was not the person with whom I want to build my life. And still that conversation wasn't any easier. Actually it was much harder than I thought. I thought I would feel relieved, but I felt very sad instead. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, if I shouldn't go back to Germany and give it a try. But in the deep of my heart, I know I did what's right. For both of us. And i'm happy it ended well, we both talked and agreeded. And we still keep in touch and write a little bit to each other. Maybe our ways will cross again. I want nothing but good for him. All the luck and happiness in life. And i'm sure he will make someone very happy. 

Budeš navždy v mém srdci !

6 months...

6 months ago I left my country once more to start working in a new place. This time I got a job in a studfarm in the northern Germany. It's one of the most famous studfarms in the world and also one of the biggest. And this would be my second job. When I left, in the begining of February, my heart was tight with the nervousism of saying goodbye again and hoping this would be a better experience than my previous job, but also some excitement for the new experience. Experience that brought me some of the best and worst things of my life. 

To work in the biggest stud farm of the world has its price. I can say that I had never worked so hard in my life. Until exhaustion. I can say that in these 6 months I worked there, I had maybe 4 or 5 days off and I worked in average 15/16h per day. The system was crazy. I didn't really adapt well. They really abused of us. I was in a house without internet and TV. Almost no time for myself. Almost no time for family and friends. Almost no time to enjoy Germany. And I met some of the best and the worst people I could have in my life. 

 Professionaly it was very good, I can say that I learnt a lot and I gained some good experience. Since I arrived I worked in the post-partum stable, which means that me and my colleagues were responsible for the management of the mares who had just foaled. It was a hardworking task, specially in the peak of the season when we had more than 80 mares a day sometimes. But, together, we did it. We had good days and bad days. Sometimes we had fun, sometimes we had fights. A good friendship teared apart. But we all gave our best. And I loved my job. 

We lived in a small village in the northern Germany called Neustadt-Glewe. It's very small and quiet, but I loved it. The houses, the streets, the castle. The Rossmann and the Eiscafe Rudolfo! Small escapes of our crazy routine that made us so happy! The Goa Pizza and its delicious Marimara! I miss some of the girls so much. The lake. I loved that lake. 

When I left, in August, my contract had expired and I was pretty sure I wanted to leave. I felt angry and wronged. I felt physically and emotionally destroyed. I felt useless sometimes. I've always known that I was never one of the favourites of my boss. It hurted me and I found so unfair the way they could judge someone's work and value after so much hardwork, dedication and time spent there. But now, when I look back, I feel lucky and in peace. I was one of the fewest who could pass through different areas, work with different vets and learn from them all. I made really good friendships. I met M. I know that, when I left, their opinion and what they think of me will stay there, with them, and I will go on with my life and keep learning. I feel in peace because I know I invested all my energy in my work and in myself. I never cared about the other's work and mistakes, I never directed energy at all to judge the others, compare myself with the girls and criticise their conduct. I didn't think too much about my boss's opinion of me. I just foccused on me and on my job. And i'm very proud of that. I know that we can never please everybody. And some people will always talk something about us. But other people's opinion about us is their problem, not ours. I am more determinated and I know what I want, I know me better. I learnt to be steady in my decisions and I don't care for a second of what the others think of me. To judge is always so easy. I feel in peace because I know I always gave my best. And I still have so much to learn... 

I don't know what the future will bring me. After 6 months in Germany i'm back in Portugal at the same point, but a totally different person.

Snowman

This belongs to "The Book Thief", a very nice movie that made me cry a lot because of its unexpected ending! I love it and I love this scene. Sometimes we have to do just what we have to do; what we think is right in that moment, what makes us happy. In the future, if we realize that was not the best choice, there's no point to look back, regret our decision and wonder why we made it. At that point, in that circunstances, that seemed the best decision, the right choice. Of course it's very easy, in the future, look back, see what went wrong and regret what's now a very clear bad decision. But of course sometimes there's no way to realize all the consequences of our choices and there's no point to regret a decision we made in the past thinking it was the right thing. In that moment that seemed the right thing. And therefore it was. Sometimes we have to do just what we have to.

Books - A trip to another world

Today I finished the book I was reading for the last few days! I'm really happy because I do not remember the last time I read a book which is not related to veterinary medicine. I used to read a lot when I was younger, I loved phantasy, adventure or a good love story but since I started the university I could never finish a book again. I think the last time I did it was in the 1st grade of the university, so almost 8 years ago! I do not really know why, maybe because of the workload we had and so many things we had to read ... There was not much space and time left! I tried a few times but I could never finish the book, I always got tired of it, lost the interest or the patience ... But this time I did it! It was so relaxing and felt so good! The book I was reading is the fourth of a trilogy (well, now is not a trilogy anymore) called Sevenwaters, it's a novel that takes place in Ireland with a touch of magic. I read the previous three books a long time ago and I loved them. This one was not any different. The narrator is always a strong, brave woman. They all belong to the same family, just some generations apart. I wish I could be more like them in certain points, although I could indentify myself with them sometimes. But the best part is, while I was reading, I totaly dove into another world. I almost forgot that feeling. In that moment I was not in my bedroom, but seeing the world from the eyes of my storyteller, living her adventure and feeling her feelings. This time I was in Ireland, but I could be anywhere else.

I will definitely read more books this year, it's a promise!